For better or worse, if there’s one thing you can count on every year, it’s the holiday season and all the craziness that comes with it. That of course includes seeing friends and extended family you might not normally be in direct contact with…which on many occasions can lead to stirring up strong opinions around sensitive topics such as surrogacy. 

You can almost guarantee that you’ll run into someone pushing a boundary here, but that doesn’t mean you can’t handle it with grace and tact. Let’s talk about some practical tips on how to handle questions and maintain your boundaries while still keeping the holidays pleasant.

Understanding the Emotional Vulnerabilities Surrounding Surrogacy

Surrogacy is a sensitive topic that can bring up vulnerabilities when brought up in conversation. When you are Intended Parents, you are going through a process that is incredibly complicated and most people do not understand all the nuances involved until they experience it firsthand.

At any one moment you might feel stressed, disappointed, concerned, exhausted, or all of those things at once. Layer on some pressure or side comments from a family member, and it’s a recipe for a holiday disaster.

Going through the surrogacy process places stress not only the Intended Parents, but the family and surrogates as well. An aging parent might desperately want a grandchild, but doesn’t approve of using surrogacy as an option. Or the surrogate might have strong opinions on something that wasn’t brought up early on and now it’s causing even more stress on both ends.

It’s important to understand that everyone will have their opinion on this seemingly private area of your life, and those opinions will sometimes clash. Next, let’s get into some ways to get ready for conversations that may come up.

Preparing for the Conversation

Onto the actual family gatherings…how do you get ready for potential damaging conversations and/or comments? Here are a few ways to prepare for an event you’re planning on attending.

1. Mental Preparation: Your mental preparation routine might include a range of activities, but doing exercises like writing down potential questions you think you might receive and practicing your responses can do wonders for feeling prepared in the moment. 

2. Meditation and/or Mindfulness: If meditation and/or mindful exercises have worked for you in the past, this is a great time to put those back into practice. Going into the gathering with a calm demeanor will allow you to offer a more patient response.

3. Boundary Setting: In order to set healthy boundaries, you’ll have to decide what aspects of your journey you are comfortable sharing with others. Since surrogacy is a personal journey, you have the right to control the conversation around it. List out a few topics you’re fine sharing with the group before the event and try to keep the conversation there.

4. Align With Your Partner/Support System: Communicate with your support system - whether that’s a partner or a certain family member that will also be at the event. Let them know what you have decided you are comfortable sharing, so that if they witness a conversation where you’re struggling, they can step in and assist you.

Gracefully Handling Personal Questions

Fast forward to the event…someone has asked you one of those questions that you really didn’t want to answer. It’s time to redirect the conversation. Before you get to the gathering, it could be helpful to have a few canned responses on hand for this exact situation. 

You might have to adjust it in the moment, but responding with something like: “It’s such a personal experience, we are lucky we have this option available to us.”, or, “We’re just taking it day by day while enjoying the holidays”, could hopefully signal to the other person that you are done talking about that and ready to change the subject. 

This serves as both a way out, as well as a way to give a short but honest response. From here, you can easily change the subject and jump into a more comfortable topic without causing embarrassment for the other person, or discomfort for you.

Reframing the Conversation

What about other options for redirecting the conversation? Here are a few ideas to get you started. 

First, try to turn the conversation to a more positive topic. Tell them something interesting or exciting about your surrogacy experience so far. Share what you’ve done to prepare for the baby when they arrive, or some promising stories you’ve heard from other Intended Parents.

Consider sharing more information about how surrogacy works with your friends and family. By educating them more about the process, they’ll be less likely to ask silly or accidentally rude questions which is great for everyone!

Get them involved more in the process by having them participate or be witness to upcoming milestones during the surrogacy process. For example, sharing an ultrasound, or designing the nursery.

Show them that the end goal of surrogacy is to expand your beautiful family and everyone can be happy about that.

Managing Invasive Questions

Another response you will probably want to have on hand is one that ends the conversation when the person you’re speaking with is not taking the hint. If you’re being asked invasive questions that are crossing a line for you, for example, details about the cost of surrogacy or the gestational carrier, then you’ll want to know how to get out of answering that question right away.

Responses that would be appropriate here might sound something along the lines of: “I respect that everyone has their own opinion, but this is the path that works for us”, or, “I understand your curiosity, but the answer to that question is personal and I’d rather not share that right now.”

The goal is to deliver that response in a calm way that doesn’t come off as defensive. You’ll likely want to practice ahead of time so it comes out easily and naturally if you need to actually use it.

Use Your Best Judgement

The holiday season can be stressful enough without the pressure from friends and family digging into your private affairs, but a little preparation can go a long way. Remember, as you enjoy your holiday season, you don’t owe anyone any details that you are not willing to share. At the end of the day, this is your journey, not theirs. 

If you’re seeking out more guidance on how to make the surrogacy process easier and less stressful, you might consider working with a Surrogacy Consultant and Concierge. Working with a concierge throughout an independent or agency surrogacy can help you manage every aspect of the process, even how to handle difficult conversations.

At Surrogacy Simplified, we are passionate about making sure you not only have support through your journey, but you are surrounded by a community of others who truly "get it." Join our free community today and connect with others who will support and uplift you this holiday season.