Whether you’re gay or straight, growing a family is a big part of a couple’s life story. The reality is that gay couples have fewer options when it comes to achieving this goal. In this case, choosing between surrogacy and adoption becomes the main question, and year after year, surrogacy continues to rise in popularity. 

There is already a bit of a learning curve for couples venturing into the world of surrogacy in general, but surrogacy for gay parents has a few important extra details that should not be skipped over. Keep reading to learn more about the various obstacles that same-sex couples need to be aware of when beginning the process of surrogacy.

Understanding the Process of Surrogacy

In general, the process of surrogacy for gay men is very similar to the process for straight couples. All couples will have to go through the main phases of surrogacy which include:

1. Making the choice to grow your family through surrogacy, and then deciding between your surrogacy options

2. Getting matched with a surrogate (unless the couple has already selected one)

3. Legal agreements and medical screenings

4. The pregnancy process

5. Bonding and parenting

Understanding how surrogacy works is just the first step. Next, you’ll want to become aware of the additional considerations that a same sex couple will face while making their way through these steps. We will conquer the biggest obstacle first!

Which Intended Parent will be the Biological Parent?

The biggest question that gay parents looking into surrogacy might have is, what is the best way to choose which parent will become the biological mother or father? Obviously when we’re considering the topic of surrogacy, if the gay couple is two women, only one of them can donate an egg for the pregnancy. Likewise, in the case of two men, only one can donate their sperm. So how do couples decide?

There are a few things to consider. If the couple is planning on having more than one child over time, then one Intended Parent could donate for the first surrogacy, and the other parent can donate for the second surrogacy. However, if the couple is certain that they only want to have one child, then there are a few different paths that can be taken.

It may be that one Intended Parent has a stronger desire to be the biological parent, so it just makes sense for them to be the donor. This makes this part of the process very simple. The couple can then continue through the remaining steps of the surrogacy process.

In the case that both Intended Parents have a very strong desire to be the biological mother or father, then they’ll want to take the time to consider more carefully the inheritable genetic and physical traits, tendencies, and personality that they will be passing onto the child. 

If there is a trait that the parents specifically want to prevent passing onto the child, this might make the decision very easy while not putting unnecessary pressure on the couple’s relationship.

What are the Legal Considerations?

Another very important factor that comes up when talking about surrogacy for gay couples is the specific legalities of this type of surrogacy. Intended Parents might be particularly concerned with making sure that they are immediately recognized as the legal parents of the child once born.

Because every state makes their own laws, you’ll find that some states are more surrogacy friendly than others. Even less states are surrogacy friendly to same sex couples. 

Colorado, New York, Delaware, Maine, Oregon, Washington, New Jersey and Nevada are just some of the states where their state laws make the surrogacy process a little easier in general. However when it comes to surrogacy for same sex couples specifically, California is at the top of the list.

California is so great for surrogacy because the Intended Parents can immediately be listed on the birth certificate as the mother, father, or parent. There are clear laws that allow the Intended Parents to be recognized as the legal guardians as soon as the baby is born by way of a Pre-birth order. No jumping through hoops, no confusing rules.

Additionally, there are unique contracts in place just for surrogacy. Nevada is another state where they provide pre-birth orders for Intended Parents regardless of their sexual orientation or marital status.

On the other hand, if you live in a state that specifically has laws that limit or criminalize the surrogacy process, you’ll want to be aware of this right away. Keep in mind that we follow the law in the state where the surrogate lives (where the baby is being born). Be sure to do your research before beginning the process so you are sure to match with a surrogate in a state that is friendly to your unique circumstances.

Beginning Your Surrogacy Journey as a Gay Couple

If you’re not living in a state that is exactly gay surrogacy friendly, don’t worry! There are many resources available as well as success stories from Intended Parents that have been able to happily complete the surrogacy process and bring their dream family to life, despite the undesirable laws they’re up against.

For example, organizations like Men Having Babies can help provide resources and community for same sex male couples embarking into the path of surrogacy on their own.

At Surrogacy Simplified, we help every type of couple achieve their dream of starting a family. If you would like to learn more about how to work with a surrogacy concierge to help you navigate through the process of surrogacy, you can book your complimentary discovery call. We look forward to speaking with you and hearing more about your unique needs!